Get it together, girl!

My last two relationships ended over chicken nuggets because let's be honest, I'll never love anything more than chicken nuggets.

My ex and I didn't work out because we both need some one to carry us out of the bar at the end of the night, and I don't have the patience or the upper body strength for that bullshit.

If I'm dancing, don't hold my hand. If I wanted to touch you, or be touched by you, I'd already be jersey turnpike-ing you. 

Last relationship: I bought myself a toy for my ex's birthday. New relationship: he bought me a toy. #anditsnotevenmybirthday 

If showing up early for a date to order a burrata and eat it without sharing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

When he tells you he loves you a thousand times, but the second you're like, "I think you're kind of cool," he's all, "And for that reason... I'm out." 

My feelings on drinking at weddings: If there's no alcohol in it, I don't want it, and if there's no alcohol at all, I'm not going. 

My day started with my yoga instructor posing the question, "Are you ready to die?" So that's how my day has been going. 

Are these symptoms of a real problem, or do I just feel this way because I've only ingested dehydrating liquids today?

Serious 4 pm thoughts: Remember when we had lunch?

Serious debate: Is it worth it to waste a good hair wash day when you have to go out in the rain? So disappointing when the weather doesn't support me.

A drunk girl* was handing out mozzarella sticks to other equally drunk girls in the women's bathroom of a bar, and I think that's pretty beautiful. #WomenSupportingWomen

*That drunk girl was me.